Slowing Down

You might be wondering what is going on with me weaning Charlotte.

No? You have better things to think about than the status of my lactating breasts?

Well, indulge me then, will you?

Basically the weaning is...just...not.

Here's the thing. I am a very social being, and I spend a lot of time meeting friends for coffee, inviting them over for dinner, and initiating trips to the park with our kids. Lately we've been staying busy even in the evenings, possibly because of the extended daylight hours, I don't really know. In any case, this busy schedule of mine, combined with Charlotte's staunch refusal of her formerly early bedtime, has resulted in many a night of skipping her bedtime routine and just nursing her to sleep when she's too tired to fight it.

Obviously she needs stability and predictability, she needs to feel secure if weaning is going to be successful. I keep saying, "Next week won't be so busy. We'll start then." And before Sunday, my week has been booked to capacity, and I find myself in the same situation.

This is adversely affecting more than just weaning. I think dragging Charlotte all over town is putting a strain on our relationship. She's tired, doesn't know what's coming next, and I'm getting annoyed with her for not handling it all perfectly, for getting upset and wanting to be held in lieu of sitting in a shopping cart.

It's also making it difficult to stick to my goal of feeding her mostly organic, non-processed foods. When we're out all the time, and I'm in a jam, need to feed her before we get home, my options are limited.

And then there's my writing. I remarked to Chris today that I left school to write, and I actually did more of it while I was attending classes. I've always been more productive when my life was busy, so this isn't surprising, but it is problematic.

I love my friends. I love coffee dates and play dates and girl talk. I love seeing my friends and family, the people who adore my kid, get to spend time with her. I won't give all that up.

But. BUT.

I also need to not be selfish. Today we were meant to go visit some friends at the beach. I was excited for it, but when Charlotte spend most of the night waking up in discomfort from a stuffy, runny nose, I knew she needed to rest. So, we spent the day at home. I didn't leave the house until 5, and that was just a quick trip to Target. Truth be told, I was restless. I was disappointed to not be at the beach.

But, Charlotte needed that, and she needs more of it. Of course I will still see my friends, but I need to get my kid back on a routine. I need to get myself on a writing routine. I need a little more order in this house.

So, I know this wasn't particularly interesting, but I'm putting it out there so as to maybe keep myself accountable. I will be writing more. I might even go back to school. I will slow down for the sake of my daughter and my relationship with her, as well as her health. Hey, maybe I'll even find some time to exercise.

Ha!

So we can continue to be buddies...

A Desperate Plea

This has been a long week. Charlotte has picked up some new words, and while this is something I usually applaud, I could do without her latest renditions of "No, no, no!" and "Mine!". Granted, the latter I don't think she quite grasps yet. I think it's just mimicry at this point. It's funny because I was just talking to my friend and told her I was glad Charlotte didn't say "mine" yet, and the NEXT DAY. Boom.

She's been challenging, to say the least. She will not sit in her high chair. I cannot physically get her into it without another person. So, I have given up and let her eat at her toddler table, which usually results in me chasing her around with a spoonful of rice or a plate of tofu. I never thought I would let my kid do that. I have always been such a stickler for orderly mealtimes. But, it's one of the battles I've given up, and at least she's eating.

She refuses to sit in her stroller and grocery carts. She wants to be held or walk around. Since it's not always feasible to let her roam, I am breaking my back carrying her all over town. I wish I had been able to afford that Ergo my friend was selling.

But here's my big problem, and the reason I'm writing even though I don't have the time or energy to be entertaining or creative in any way:

I need to wean Charlotte. And for the record, I'm not doing it because I think it's wrong to nurse past this point. I'm not falling victim to any societal pressures or family pressures or anything like that. I just don't think it's so horrible of me to want to sleep through the night without getting up once or twice to nurse. It's been over fifteen months. I'd like to not have to worry about whether I've had too much coffee or wine. I'd like to not have this weird pain pop up once in a while in my left breast when I nurse.

I'm just so tired. And, I feel like Charlotte and I bond more when we're rolling around on the floor, hugging, kissing, and tickling. I have had extreme highs and lows when it comes to my feelings about nursing, but generally, it's never been something I'm particularly attached to. I am mostly still doing it because it's (usually) a surefire way to get her to go to sleep.

The problem is the guilt. I don't know how to do it without feeling really horrible, because despite a few instances where it seemed she was losing interest, Charlotte still wants and expects to be nursed before a nap or bedtime and especially when she wakes in the middle of the night.

We've let her cry before, and it used to work fine. She'd fuss, settle, and go to sleep. Now, though, she screams and screams, and works herself into a frenzy. So, that's not an option anymore. Maybe I'm just weak-willed, but I can't let her scream like that. It's not like it used to be. Now it's...urgent, and I can't do it.

So, what do I do? She only wants to nurse for sleep-inducing comfort, never during active play or while we're out. She takes a pacifier, but isn't satisfied by it when she wants to nurse.

Am I totally screwed? I need some advice! Theoretical, based on experience, a guess...I don't care. Just help me. Please.