Tuesday, April 6, 2010

There HAS to be a Better Way!

You know how babies kinda suck?

I mean, at first, when they prevent you from getting any sleep lasting longer than an hour (if you're lucky), vomit all over you when you've brought a change of clothes for the baby, but not for you, and perform ninja moves that somehow get poop on your shirt or in your hair? Or later, when they arch their backs and howl in the store because you won't let them gnaw on a box of rice?

You, know, the usual.

Well, Chris and I have found something they're good for! Besides being all cute, cuddly, the lights of our lives, yadda, yadda, yadda...

You can use your baby as a tool in your passive aggressive marital disputes!

We discovered this trick early on in our parenting career, and I apologize for not sharing it with you sooner. Never again will you feel the need to argue in hushed tones about who changed more diapers or sigh, roll your eyes, and say "You just don't get it." Also a thing of the past? Losing your temper, yelling, thus waking the baby, and then blaming your significant other with a "See what you did?"

Not sure how it works? I'll show you!

Say you're annoyed because your partner slept through all three of the little darling's "night wakings", leaving you in sole command of binky-putting-back-in patrol, feeding, rocking, back-rubbing, etc. Your first instinct might be to yell at him about what a selfish douche bag he is. Or maybe you prefer the silent treatment and you'll just ignore her until she asks what's wrong.

There's a better way!

Here's what you do: You make sure your partner is in ear shot, but pretend not to notice him. Scoop up the baby, look into her innocent, little face, and say "I'm so sorry Daddy doesn't love you enough to take care of you during the night. I guess sleep is just more important to him. Maybe someday I'll find you a new daddy."

See? SO much healthier. But, wait! There's more! Here are just a few more examples of how it works...

"Who's that? It's Mommy. I bet you didn't even recognize her since she keeps leaving you to go to work, huh?"

"You look like a hobo, Baby! Who dressed you like this? Was it Daddy? I bet it was! I bet it was!"

"Awww, poor baby hurt her head? Too bad Mommy wasn't watching you better, huh, sweetie? Is it because she had too many glasses of wine! Yes, it is! Yes, it is!"

Now, I know it seems inappropriate to drag the baby into your grievances. But, the baby doesn't know what's going on! You may also be thinking that some of these examples are mean-spirited or "too far". But, no one can get mad at you when you're not even talking to them! You're talking to the baby! It's cute! Not at all vicious or hateful.

It's a win-win. And you don't even have to limit use of the technique to tackle only parenting dilemmas. As I mentioned, the baby doesn't know what you're talking about. As long as you say everything in a soothing, upbeat tone, you can hash it all out. Jealousy, sexual frustration, money troubles, you name it! As long as you say it with that certain lilt in your voice, you are untouchable!

I certainly do hope this has been helpful and that you will soon be on your way to passive aggressively manipulating your child to get your way with your spouse or partner. Just think of all the empty trashcans, clean diapers, and hours of sleep in your future. And all without a single fight!

For a nominal fee, I will also teach you how to use your baby to get out of those unsavory commitments and responsibilities, like work or driving your obnoxious great-aunt to the dentist: "I would LOVE to, but the baby gets really fussy in the car" or the tried and true "I hate to miss the meeting, but the baby kept me up ALL night." The possibilities are endless!

You're welcome.


  1. I forgot why I had a kid. Thanks for reminding me!

  2. Ah, passive aggression. The kid's got to learn it somewhere, so why not from me? I'm one of the best. :)

    Oh, and I just used baby+travel to get out of a $200 late fee because *someone* forgot to remind me to sign the lease. No wonder the childfree get pissed off sometimes....

  3. That's what I'm here for, Brooke!

    Perpetua, I totally think the whole baby excuse is going to bite me one of these days, but it IS such a handy excuse. (And now all my friends are going to call bullshit next time I do it).

  4. I knew the kid had to have SOME use :-)

  5. Megan, you might have just saved my marriage. Just kidding! But I did laugh my ass off at this post!!!

  6. Glad I could help, everyone! :)