That Totally Average Day I Bought Condoms

Today was a sort of dull, average day. But it was a good day. It was the first day in a couple weeks that my body seemed back to normal after everything it's been through. I found some sunglasses of the not-giant variety (Seriously, ladies. Must our sunglasses cover our entire face? When is this trend going to die?) Of course, the sunglasses would be a bigger triumph if they were prescription lenses that didn't make all road signs vaguely out of focus. But, those would have cost me a lot more than ten bucks. And, according to the DMV I don't need corrective lenses to drive. So, I probably won't crash my car into the side of a mountain. Probably.

We took Charlotte to the pool this evening, which is sort of hilarious, if not maddening. See, she likes to be in the "big pool" instead of the foot and a half wading pool, which would be fine, except she doesn't want to be held. So, it's a lot of her "swimming" back and forth on the stairs while I walk alongside her with my hands at the ready to catch her when she falls or when she decides surely all this practice has been sufficient and she can swim the length of the pool by now. She's really interested in putting her face in the water and does it over and over again even after sputtering and coughing up pool water after each attempt. Kid's got moxy. What can I say?

But, I suppose the highlight of my day was at Target when I had to take care of our brand new "No Babies for Three Months" situation. It doesn't make sense to use anything hormonal since we'll be trying again soon, so that left...well, condoms. I don't know why I'm so squeamish about condoms. Maybe because in the twelve years we've been together, we haven't really needed them. And, the few times we have, Chris was always the one to get them. He was more than willing to do it this time, but I was already going to the store. Why not get them myself? It would be silly to make him do it.

So, I stood in front of the different varieties for what seemed like a very long time. I was quite surprised at how many options the condom user is offered: ribbed, of course, that's nothing new. But, did you know they make condoms that can offer you a hot and/or cold sensation? I don't even know how that works! Or if it's something people would want. I do have to say that there seem to be quite a few of these gimmicks designed to help the ladies out, IF you know what I mean...

In the end, however, I settled on the most very basic pack I could find. Mainly because I was clearly in way over my head when it came to this decision-making process, but also because I was painfully aware of the woman and her two children standing mere inches from me while waiting to talk to the pharmacist. For whatever reason, I was embarrassed. And, I felt like I was doing something sinister. Like, here I am perusing prophylactics, while these poor, innocent children are just trying to get their cough medicine, and surely I am offending their very innocence with my proximity. I felt like telling their mother, "You know, I'm not buying these to have casual sex with a random stranger. I'm married, and we have a kid, and we want another one, but my doctor said I have to wait three months on account of my two miscarriages." Am I an idiot, or what? This chick probably didn't even notice what I was shopping for and probably wouldn't have cared.

This summer is going to be interesting. I think, impatient as I am to get started on expanding our family, it is going to be really nice to spend these next few months just enjoying my family and enjoying the freedom of not either trying to conceive, being pregnant, or nursing for the first time in over five years. I can drink a venti iced coffee with no guilt! I can hike and have a second glass of wine. Did I say "second?" I meant third.

It's bittersweet, to be sure. There are constant reminders of the milestones I would have been reaching had either of these pregnancies stuck. Yesterday Charlotte inexplicably pointed to my belly and asked "Where's your baby?" I honestly can't figure out how that happened since we weren't discussing it with her, but I guess we underestimated her capacity for understanding our discussions with one another. So, it's still difficult, and even though I'm riding the silver lining pretty hard, I'm not able to completely shut out the pain.

But, life is good.

Very, very good.