That Totally Average Day I Bought Condoms

Today was a sort of dull, average day. But it was a good day. It was the first day in a couple weeks that my body seemed back to normal after everything it's been through. I found some sunglasses of the not-giant variety (Seriously, ladies. Must our sunglasses cover our entire face? When is this trend going to die?) Of course, the sunglasses would be a bigger triumph if they were prescription lenses that didn't make all road signs vaguely out of focus. But, those would have cost me a lot more than ten bucks. And, according to the DMV I don't need corrective lenses to drive. So, I probably won't crash my car into the side of a mountain. Probably.

We took Charlotte to the pool this evening, which is sort of hilarious, if not maddening. See, she likes to be in the "big pool" instead of the foot and a half wading pool, which would be fine, except she doesn't want to be held. So, it's a lot of her "swimming" back and forth on the stairs while I walk alongside her with my hands at the ready to catch her when she falls or when she decides surely all this practice has been sufficient and she can swim the length of the pool by now. She's really interested in putting her face in the water and does it over and over again even after sputtering and coughing up pool water after each attempt. Kid's got moxy. What can I say?

But, I suppose the highlight of my day was at Target when I had to take care of our brand new "No Babies for Three Months" situation. It doesn't make sense to use anything hormonal since we'll be trying again soon, so that left...well, condoms. I don't know why I'm so squeamish about condoms. Maybe because in the twelve years we've been together, we haven't really needed them. And, the few times we have, Chris was always the one to get them. He was more than willing to do it this time, but I was already going to the store. Why not get them myself? It would be silly to make him do it.

So, I stood in front of the different varieties for what seemed like a very long time. I was quite surprised at how many options the condom user is offered: ribbed, of course, that's nothing new. But, did you know they make condoms that can offer you a hot and/or cold sensation? I don't even know how that works! Or if it's something people would want. I do have to say that there seem to be quite a few of these gimmicks designed to help the ladies out, IF you know what I mean...

In the end, however, I settled on the most very basic pack I could find. Mainly because I was clearly in way over my head when it came to this decision-making process, but also because I was painfully aware of the woman and her two children standing mere inches from me while waiting to talk to the pharmacist. For whatever reason, I was embarrassed. And, I felt like I was doing something sinister. Like, here I am perusing prophylactics, while these poor, innocent children are just trying to get their cough medicine, and surely I am offending their very innocence with my proximity. I felt like telling their mother, "You know, I'm not buying these to have casual sex with a random stranger. I'm married, and we have a kid, and we want another one, but my doctor said I have to wait three months on account of my two miscarriages." Am I an idiot, or what? This chick probably didn't even notice what I was shopping for and probably wouldn't have cared.

This summer is going to be interesting. I think, impatient as I am to get started on expanding our family, it is going to be really nice to spend these next few months just enjoying my family and enjoying the freedom of not either trying to conceive, being pregnant, or nursing for the first time in over five years. I can drink a venti iced coffee with no guilt! I can hike and have a second glass of wine. Did I say "second?" I meant third.

It's bittersweet, to be sure. There are constant reminders of the milestones I would have been reaching had either of these pregnancies stuck. Yesterday Charlotte inexplicably pointed to my belly and asked "Where's your baby?" I honestly can't figure out how that happened since we weren't discussing it with her, but I guess we underestimated her capacity for understanding our discussions with one another. So, it's still difficult, and even though I'm riding the silver lining pretty hard, I'm not able to completely shut out the pain.

But, life is good.

Very, very good.

Charlotte's First Haircut

Please indulge me a moment to document this completely clichéd parenting milestone. Today Charlotte got her very first haircut. We had noticed that her hair always looked just awful , and we weren't really sure why. It was constantly in her eyes, and it was just sort of...frizzy. And stringy. I mean, that might just be her hair. Neither Chris nor I have enviable hair. His is pretty, but we are both cursed with really thin locks. I am very pleased with the results, though it is probably too soon to know if it will help with the overall shagginess.

In any case, we decided to get her some bangs to keep the hair out of her eyes. I found one of those places where they have the little cars for the kids to sit on. Bonus! They had a little television at each station, and Lotte's was playing Dora. I was never so happy to hear that shrill, little voice shouting the same phrase over and over again, as when I realized my daughter might actually sit still for this procedure.

In all her shaggy glory


It should be noted that I had to pull Chris away from an old arcade game (FOR THE CHILDREN) to take this picture.

She was doing really well, but a little, autistic boy (a regular of theirs) who does NOT like having his picture taken was yelling, and Charlotte, little empathetic creature that she is, got upset. So, she held my hand.


Bangs!



They gave us a certificate with a lock of her hair fastened to it. Pretty cool.


The cut actually rejuvenated her curls.


A celebratory "pop" in the castle


"Aaaaalll done!"

Happy Birthday, Charlotte!

Well, I knew this day was coming.

Charlotte is one year old today, and, just as foretold, it came far too quickly.

I'll be honest, though, the first four months or so, kinda dragged. I was in awe of her, in disbelief that I was finally a parent, in heaven with her tiny little limbs tucked under her body as she slept on my chest. It was beautiful and perfect and amazing.

But, it was also BORING.

I mean, we waited months for the first smile. A SMILE. I guess I take them for granted now, so the idea of holding my breath for a curving of the lips seems ridiculous. And now that she is is running all over the house (and everywhere else), I can scarcely believe that we were so worked up over her rolling over for the first time. She was lovely, but her activity level and particular state of alertness resembled that of a potato. She was Potato Baby.
A very cute potato, I might add.

There were just days and days of staring at her as she slept in her bassinet or watching her for cues of recognition Did she just look at me? Oh my God, I think she just...made eye contact! when we talked to her. There were eons of me sitting on the couch, nursing her while watching reruns of The Office, then feeling guilty for not staring at her in wonderment, turning the T.V. off, getting bored again, and then beginning to text.

Don't get me wrong. I loved every minute. The day she finally rolled over, I cheered and clapped and scared the hell out of her. And sometimes, I DID marvel at her while she nursed. Some of the simplest moments were the ones that overwhelmed me with love for this person I had waited so long to bring into my life.
Photo by Little Blue World Photography

But, at the same time, I was so eager for the next step, always. I had read that it was important to live in the moment, enjoying the stage your child was in without worrying about the next step. I tried to comply, but it was so hard not to look ahead in eager anticipation of what was to come. It felt wrong, like looking at the last page of a book you're reading, but I couldn't help fantasizing about watching her toddle around on the beach or putting pigtails in her hair and feeding her cookies. In my mind, I was cheating on Potato Baby!

Now that we're here in Toddlerville, I do have moments of longing for the simpler days in Newbornland. I sometimes wish I could just hold her as long as I want, whenever I want, instead of trying to wrestle a simple hug out of her. Photo by Little Blue World Photography

Ever since I was a kid, my mom has periodically looked at me and wistfully exclaimed that she remembers how I used to sleep "right here" as she indicates with her hands the small space on her chest I previously occupied. I thought of that last night as Charlotte's feet were dangling off of my legs in the rocker chair tonight. She is already getting so big, and I can't believe one day I will be telling her about how she used to sleep "right here" as she pack up her room and goes to college.

I remember having a feeling when I was pregnant with Charlotte that she was going to be, shall we say, willful, when she would kick me every time I tried to lean over and rest my head on my desk at work. It was like she was going out of her way to prevent me from getting any rest and to make sure I was constantly reminded of her.

Well, it's been over a year, and I must say, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. This kid is on the go from the minute she wakes up to the nanosecond I place her in her crib at night, depositing her toys in locations all over the house, following me into the bathroom where she pulls everything out of the cabinet while I do my makeup, coming into the kitchen while I cook so she can splash in the dog's water and try to eat food off the floor, and basically demanding to be involved in everything I do.

And it's great.

Her dad and I are exhausted, but we spend all day laughing at her baby talk, glowing with pride as she figures out how to stack her cups or learns one of her colors. Her brain is growing as fast as her feet, (Seriously? How many times do I have to buy you new socks?) and it is incredible to watch.

Still, excited as I am by the prospects life with a toddler will bring, I will always be looking back over my shoulder just a little bit, missing the days when all she needed was to be in my arms. I'll spend the summer taking her to beaches, aquariums, hiking trips, and play dates, and I'll remember how I couldn't wait to do these things when I was in the midst of a marathon nursing session with a baby too little to wear sunscreen.

But, I won't ever forget how wonderful it was to take pleasure in the seemingly tiny milestones: the first smile, the first time she grabbed something with her fist, the first time she lifted her head up. It may not be as exciting as brushing her own teeth, but it was amazing because it was her.
Photo by Little Blue World Photography

So, as I celebrate Charlotte's first birthday, I will try to enjoy every second of her as she is now, while forging ahead, only occasionally glancing in the rear view mirror when I see a little bald baby in the store that reminds me of what I have lost.

I probably won't get it right. But, there's always the next baby...