Hey, Look! A Bunch of New Projects to Ignore!

Every couple of years I go through a sort of...awakening. I get all excited about a bunch of different things. I start projects, start reading books, start taking lessons, start writing, start working out. I'm sure by now you've deciphered the pattern. You're quite shrewd, aren't you?

I start on these goals and projects, but I don't actually finish any of them. I suppose part of my problem could be that I rarely get excited about one endeavor at a time. I go from watching reruns of "Friends" and screwing around on Facebook every night to writing a novel, becoming a wine expert, learning to play the guitar, reading every book I never read, taking up hiking, beginning a gym routine, and coming up with a cure for cancer, all at once. And then, predictably, I'm hanging out with Ross and Rachel again, not having accomplished any of the things that were so important to me last week.

Well, except for the cancer thing. I totally did that.

As you might have guessed (you clever thing), it's happening again. It started with an interest in food and sort of snowballed. If you read this post you can see where it all began. Since then I've (mostly) stopped eating meat, joined a CSA (We DO have them here! I'll blog about it in a day or so), decided to grow my own organic herb garden, make my own compost (which is looking unlikely for apartment living unless I can afford a hideously expensive device or want to live with an offensive odor pervading the air), and the list goes on.

For the first time, I think I finally have a passion that's going to stick. I'm having fun getting my random box of produce and figuring out what to do with it, hitting up the farmer's markets, trying to figure out what to do with all the peaches we got this week (Jam? Pie?), and getting creative in the kitchen. I still believe I will slip up on occasion, but I know that my dedication to feeding my family well will not disappear like the unwritten novels of the past.

I wish I could be as confident that my other present projects will receive the same kind of devotion and follow-through, but I know how these things usually go. Just for fun (and so you can laugh at me when I'm tweeting about television from the couch in a month) here are some of the things I'm working on, in no particular order:

1. My herb garden- I know I mentioned this, but since I haven't done it yet, it belongs on the to-do list. I'm probably giving up on the compost idea, but I'm working on getting the pots, seeds, soil, etc. that I need for this project. It's a small investment, which is pretty much the only hold-up at this point.

2. I'm writing a screenplay with a friend- We've only met once to work on it, and we don't technically have an idea yet, so this is high on the "Doesn't Look Promising" list, but I hope it works out because I think I would like to do more creative writing, and I think he and I might work well together.

3. Learning to play my guitar- The guitar was an amazingly generous gift from my father-in-law, and also one that meant a lot to me. I took lessons for a while, and then infertility took over my life and bank account, and I stopped. I'm not expecting anything ground-breaking here since I'll be teaching myself, but I'm hoping to at least re-master some chords and perhaps string them together in a recognizable way? Hopefully?

4. Obtain and regularly ride a bike- Don't hold your breath. I can't afford a bike. But, it's my new dream. In the meantime, I will have to be satisfied with any exercise I manage to do. Which brings me to...

5. Exercise!- I know, how very typical. I've been trying to get to the gym for weeks now, and it hasn't happened. I'm hoping when the weather cools down, I'll be able to get out for walks, which will turn into jogs, and maybe even runs, someday.

6. AIDS walk- I'm signed up. I just need sponsors.

I guess that's it. I'd like to say that this time I'll stick with it and accomplish these goals, but only time will tell. Especially since this is all on top of being a parent, a wife, and an aspiring writer. Oh, and there's that Master's degree I still need to finish...

I think I'm going to go lie down for a minute. Now where are those "Friends" DVD's?

Who are You, Really?

In a few, short weeks, I will be a free woman.

Last month, I resumed working at the tutoring center at my school and began attending my most recent grad class. Granted, the class is a lot of work, but you would think a person could handle fifteen hours of work and one, measly class, right?

Wrong.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I am a lazy individual. One of the only things I enjoyed about pregnancy was that I had an excuse to sit on the couch and request that things be brought to me. I will forgo an extra cookie if it means I have to get up and get it myself. I am a master procrastinator, especially when it comes to my school work. And, I hate getting up early for work; I have been known to whine all through a work day about how tired I am. Superwoman, I am not. However, if something in my life needs to be done, I get it done. I might be kicking and screaming the whole way, but I do what I need to do, and I have successfully held down a full-time job and gotten A's in many grad classes at the same time.

So, why am I having such a hard time this quarter? The answer to that question is at home with her daddy, eating animal crackers and pushing all the buttons on the DVD player.

I never thought I would become one of THOSE moms. The ones who can't be separated from their kids for more than a few minutes without totally losing it. And, really, I don't think that I am. I am in the process of trying to convince my mother-in-law to keep Charlotte overnight so Chris and I can drink and stay out late at my mom's St. Patty's day party. I've gone to concerts without her. I like to get out of the house to write. Sure, I always miss her while I'm away. But, it never stops me from going away to do the things I care about.

And there it is. The reason I am so resentful about being out of the house for fifteen hours a week has less to do with the fact that I am away from the baby and more to do with the fact that it isn't worth it. I want my Master's degree, sure. And, I will get it. But now is not the time. Right now I want to write. If I'm going to be away from Charlotte, it had better be for something I am passionate about. So, I'm taking a break from school and concentrating on pursuing a career doing what I love to do. I am very fortunate that I am able to do so at this time.

I've always been a big believer in maintaining an identity that is separate from your identity as a mother. Even though I now realize how much motherhood permeates all the facets of my life, how it has changed me from the inside out, I still believe that it is crucial to not lose sight of who you were before having children. I think we all need to have something we are passionate about, besides our kids. For some people, that thing is their job. And, hey, that's awesome! If you can get paid to do what you love, I say that's a win-win. Unfortunately, some people hate their jobs. Their very necessary jobs. And that, well, to put it eloquently, blows.

And then there's me. Like I said, I am very fortunate that, at the moment, we are able to stay afloat on Chris's income so that I can be a stay-at-home mom. I want to soak up every second of Charlotte. I want to feed her every meal, put her down for every nap, change every diaper...

Ha! Kidding. Can you imagine?

Truthfully, I want to be with her most of the time. I really enjoy the day-to-day responsibilities of taking care of my family. But, as much as I enjoy folding laundry in the company of a good television show, I wouldn't exactly call it fulfilling. And as much as I adore making my baby laugh, I wouldn't call it intellectually stimulating. I, and we all, I would argue, need something else. A creative outlet. Something that's just for us.

I started this blog a few months ago, and since then, I have grown to love writing. I am having fun doing it, and I want to make this my career. I have a book I want to write. I'd like to spruce up this blog and see it take off. I would like to do freelance writing. For the first time in my adult life, I have a career goal that I am legitimately excited about, something I am motivated to work hard to achieve. And that feels really good.

I am a mother first, sure. Charlotte and any future children I may have will be my priority. But as much as I don't want to miss a second of my children's lives, the reality is that I might HAVE to. And that's okay. Mommy guilt is a potent and powerful thing. It whispers lies into your ear, lies about not being good enough, making bad choices, and letting your kids down. Our children need us. No question. And in a way, they might always need us. But, isn't our job to teach them to grow, to be independent, and to ultimately take care of themselves? And, if we haven't been taking care of OURSELVES in the meantime, nourishing OUR dreams and goals, where will we be then? We'll be more in need of our kids than they are of us.

Please understand that I am not knocking being a stay-at-home parent. I'm just saying, make sure you are taking care of yourself. It can be so overwhelming, being a woman today. We are in a constant state of maintaining a very tricky balancing act. My husband told me last night that for him, it is so simple. He goes to work, comes home, helps with the baby, and sleeps (soundly). He told me that he appreciates how much more complex my life is. I take care of all appointments (social and otherwise), I keep the house clean, I do the shopping, I do all the packing and organizing for schlepping the baby, I try to go to the gym, I try to plan meals, and I go to work and school. I constantly have about a million things on my mind, including, now, my career. For more on balancing motherhood and a budding writing career, check out this post by Brooke, of Mommy In Chief. It rang so true for me, as I'm sure it will for any woman who struggles with maintaining more than one title.

No one said this was going to be easy. But, I am having a blast figuring it all out.