The Pre-BlogHer Post...Sort Of

So, let's see. It's been nearly two weeks since my last post. I don't know what to say except I'm sure we're all used to this sort of neglect to my poor blog. Also, I've been in and out of a weird funk these last few weeks. Maybe it's the heat, maybe it's hormones (a woman's most reliable scapegoat,) or maybe it's Chris's new hours at work that have added up to less time with him and LOTS of time alone with Charlotte. I suppose it's probably all of those things that have left me feeling stressed, irritable, and at times, overwhelmed.

Chris has been getting home around 5 A.M. lately which means he needs to sleep until about one or two in the afternoon, depending how poorly he sleeps with all the heat and noise daytime brings. So, Charlotte and I have long mornings together, which have lately been punctuated by measly 30-45 minute naps. When Chris gets up, I catch up on housework, bills, errands, and other such minutiae, while taking breaks to spend as much time with my husband as we can manage between playing dinosaur puppets and doing arts and crafts. Oh, and in case anyone was momentarily impressed by that latter statement, let me inform you that "arts and crafts" with our two-year-old is just a fancy way of saying "paint" and "glue paper to...other paper."

Yeah, yeah, you get it. I'm a mom, and I do mom things. And house things. Get over myself. I just feel lately like I can't breathe until the kid is in bed for the night. So, I'm sort of out of the loop all day when it comes to internet stuff. And, I don't always use my evening alone time to catch up the way I should. I am trying to remedy this now because after I return from BlogHer it's going to be even harder to keep up. I'm sure I will meet lots of people whose blogs I want to read and with whom I would like to correspond. So, I'm working on it.

I'm looking forward to the conference for lots of reasons. You know, meeting lots of new people, parties, maybe getting some inspiration for my writing and blog goals, and, of course, getting a break from my day to day life. But, then again, that is probably the only reason I also don't want to go. My day to day life can be hectic, and I'm exhausted, but I have never been away from my daughter for three whole nights. Never more than one night, in fact, and that's only been a handful of times. I'm nervous about it.

Charlotte is at an amazing age right now. Which is not to say there were times in her life where it would have been easy to leave her for three nights, but it might have been easier. She's just so much fun right now. She's started telling me "When I was a baby" stories. I love how she can just make stuff up on the spot. The other night she was walking up the stairs to go to bed, and she stopped, dropped to the ground, and said "I see a bug!" (No, she didn't.) She continued "When I was a baby, I saw a bug. A fider (spider.) A big fider. And he bit me. And I said "Maaaahhh." A couple days ago she made up a story about how she was petting and riding on whales. And she started riding a little scooter some friends of ours picked up for her at a garage sale. It's the kind with three wheels, so it doesn't tip over, and she just shuffles around on it wearing a little helmet, and OH MAN, is it adorable.



Then again...

The whole, stopping on the stairs to make up a story, while heartwarming and hilarious, is also just one of the many ways she drags her feet whenever it's time to do anything she finds even remotely distasteful, such as going to bed or heading up to her room to get dressed. Seriously, what is so hard about getting dressed? I'm doing it FOR you! Just raise your arms and let me dress you in whatever ridiculous outfit I let you choose for yourself. I don't get it. If I happen to suggest something she actually wants to leave the house to do, like the park, for example, she'll be all "Yeah! Let's go!" and start heading out the door in her pajamas. I'll tell her we need to get dressed first, and she'll tug on her shirt and say "How 'bout my jammies?" When I inform her we can't leave the house like that, she'll decide she doesn't want to go to the park after all. Kill me.

And, frankly, I suppose it will be nice to spend three days with people I don't have to ask ONE HUNDRED times to pick up their shoes or come to the table for dinner. And since I can plan on that scenario going on for pretty much the next eighteen years or so, I should probably just enjoy the reprieve while I can get it.

I suppose I should start packing...

My Child is Broken. Help Me Fix Her.

This morning, at 10:45 to be precise, I woke up in my bed, stretched my arms, and rolled onto my right side to find that my daughter's brilliant blue eyes were open.She smiled at me, gave me a hug, and we agreed to go downstairs to watch a little Toy Story 3.

Sounds heavenly, right? I'm sure to those of you whose kids wake up with the sun no matter how late they stay up, it sounds downright luxurious. Sleeping in till almost eleven? On a Wednesday? It's a dream come true!

Except it is more of a nightmare. While I am glad that after passing out from sheer exhaustion at 11 P.M. Charlotte didn't decide to greet the day at her usual time of 8 A.M., I am dismayed by the fact that she has been cranky from the moment she woke up and will most likely take a 2-3 hour nap to make up for how poorly she slept, then be up all night once more.

Or, there's the even more dire possibility that she will NOT nap, and STILL be up until all hours. It can go either way with her. And, yes, the nap would save me a lot of sanity (though from the sounds coming from upstairs, I'm not optimistic) but what I really need is for her to be on something resembling a toddler's schedule, as opposed to that of a teenager on summer vacation.

***

Okay, many hours have passed since I started this post. Update: she did not nap. And she was less than pleasant for the remainder of the day. It was quite the debacle. Chris usually has great luck with putting her down for naps and even sometimes for bed. But, lately she has been freaking out if I'm not around, and once I am in the room with her, there is little chance of me leaving it without her.

So, here's what's going on: I take Charlotte up to her room for her vitamin and to have her teeth brushed. We read a couple stories. I sing her a couple songs. We turn out the light, she gives me a big hug, I put her in her crib, tell her "Goodnight" and walk out.

Or, at least that's how it used to happen. The last week or so has gone more like this: Charlotte prolongs story time as long as possible. Even after I tell her the story we are reading is the last one, and she agrees to this, she says "Again?" or "Different book?" as soon as I am done reading. She starts whining about wanting to come to my bed before I even sing her songs. We turn off the light (after much cajoling,) and right as I am about to put her in bed, or right as I am about to leave, she starts crying.

I struggle with this part a lot, but sometimes I walk out anyway. If the crying abates within a minute or two, I don't go back in. I feel guilty for the rest of the night, but I am glad that she's asleep. If, however, the crying doesn't stop and gets more intense as the seconds pass, I go back in.

I hold her. I rock her. I tell her that I know she can go to sleep in her crib. That she's a big girl. It doesn't matter. At this point, I'm basically stalling because she WILL end up coming to my bed. She cries so hard and asks so pitifully, that not only do I end up caving, I also feel like a horrible parent for even trying to get her to sleep in her own bed in the first place. I know. I'm a huge wimp.

But, seriously, the crying is very unsettling. And she says things like, "Don't leave me here!" Or, she'll ask (through sobs) "Can you go get your bed ready?" I know it sounds like I'm being a wimp, but I get the feeling she's going through something. If I'm rocking her to sleep in the rocking chair, which doesn't work anymore, by the way, and she starts to doze off, she will startle herself awake, and her eyes will frantically search for me. Only after she is sure I'm still there will she start to doze again. But, once I try to lay her down in her crib, even if she appears to be asleep, she'll cry and cling to me.

Once I acquiesce and bring her to my bed, a new battle begins. She tries to talk to me and play. I tell her it's time to sleep and try to ignore her. She nudges me with her elbow or drapes her entire body over me. Anything to get my attention. Last night we were in my bed for an hour, after being in HER room for an hour, when I gave up. I know how stupid it is to reward her for not sleeping, but I hadn't eaten dinner, and I needed a break. So, I brought her downstairs and let her watch a little bit of a movie while I ate and tried to psyche myself up for the next round.

By the time we went back upstairs to my room (She started hyperventilating at the very thought of going to her room, so I didn't even try) she was so exhausted that she passed out in five minutes. Then she slept so restlessly that no one really got enough sleep. She talks in her sleep. Sometimes she laughs, but usually she seems upset. She calls for me a lot in her sleep. Sometimes she wakes up and has to find me and be touching me in some way before she will go back to sleep. Once, she woke up, and I was in the bathroom. She SCREAMED.

So, what do you guys think? Am I being a big wimp, or does she really need me? And, in either case, what can I do about this since it is clearly not working? Any and all opinions are welcome.