Back and Whinier Than Ever!

We should be moving into our new place this weekend. It's totally awesome, and I'm very excited. And, while I've grown attached to my little house, and while it has been a bitch trying to downsize from a four-bedroom house to a two-bedroom townhome, I have to say I can't wait to check out our new area and live in a place built AFTER 1957, for the first time in my adult life.

But, I have been a little down these last few days, and here's why...

When we moved into this house five years ago, I was 22. I was a recent college grad and had just landed a job as a middle school teacher at a local private school. I was feeling pretty damn accomplished. A wife, teacher, and homeowner, all at the infantile age of 22!

But, then I decided I didn't want to teach middle school; I wanted to teach college. So, I quit my job and started grad school and subbed at an elementary school. Then I had a baby and quit working all together, but stayed in school. THEN I decided I don't want to teach at all. I want to be a writer.

Which brings me to now. I have half of a Master's degree, no job, and have made very little progress with my writing career, mostly due to a gross lack of effort on my part.

This path has also led us to needing my mother in law to be a co-applicant for our apartment so we don't have to pay an obscene security deposit. And, I feel like, what happened to me? What happened to being AHEAD of the game? The bright-eyed, ambitious, twenty two year old girl I once knew is now pushing thirty and can't even qualify for an apartment.

It's totally incredible and kinda hot that Chris is doing so well in his career that he can afford to keep us in this ridiculously expensive area with no financial help from me. But, even if we didn't need a cosigner, I'd still feel like a failure.

I know, I know. I'm staying home with my daughter, and that is very, VERY important. I get that, I do. And, don't get me wrong, I am totally having a blast. But, she will grow up, despite my best efforts, and I don't want to be wondering whatever happened to my career, my accomplishments outside of raising this beautiful, little girl.

So, here's my dilemna: I absolutely, no questions asked, need to get off my ass and try harder to make the writing career happen. I need to scour the internet for jobs, submit pitches and articles, and work on the blog. I will do that. But, there's the matter of this MA. I'm a few quarters away from finishing, at which point I would need to write a thesis or take the graduate exam. It would be a lot of work on top of everything, and it would increase my student loan debt exponentially. But, I feel like I really need this degree. It might even come in handy someday. So, when do I go for it? Now, while I still know some people in the program and am still (sort of) in the groove of it? Or, later, when Charlotte could feasibly go to preschool a few days a week and maybe I'm more established in my as yet non-existent writing career?

Ugh. I'm so confused. And I hate that all I've been doing on this blog lately is whining, and now asking for advice. I will try to get back to regularly scheduled programming very soon.

Until then...Angst! Confusion! Ennui!

Heeeeellllppp!

On Why I've Been So Lame

I tend to avoid writing about my life in a "So, here's what's going on with me, lately" kind of way. Mostly, because my life isn't very interesting. But, I need to put this out there because I don't want the few people who read this blog to give up on me due to its sparsely updated...ness.

I didn't update last weekend because we went to Sea World, and I was all geared up to write about the perils and pitfalls we encountered travelling with a tiny toddler. But, I returned from my trip to a situation that required my immediate attention and all my time and energy, so that never happened.

So, on that matter, I will only say this: those of you with the kids I see in malls, amusement parks, and the like, sleeping in their strollers? Those of you that don't have to sit around your hotel for hours while the rest of your party is chilling with Shamu, so your baby can nap, so she won't be a total jerk all day? I hate you guys.

Seriously! Who ARE these kids that just go, "You know what? I'm feeling a little sleepy. I think I'll just recline in this here stroller and check out for a little while." And more importantly, why can't MY kid be like that? She will be falling all over herself, drunk-ass tired, but the second I recline her in the stroller, she's like "I'm up! See? I'm bouncing, I'm kicking, I'm FINE. Put my seat back up."

So, yeah. There was a lot of 5 A.M waking, hotel napping, Sea World missing, fun. But, there was also swimming in the hotel pool, Shamu gazing, and lots of good times.

But, I digress. What's going on is that we currently live about an hour and a half from Chris's work, and after six years of commuting, he's pretty much done. So, we've been wanting to move about 45 minutes closer, to an area that we can (sort of) afford. Trouble is, we bought our house when the market was booming, and we are crazy upside down, like heads-buried-in-the-ground upside down, so selling is out of the question.

Long story short, due to a renter falling into our laps, we're renting the place out and moving.

In three weeks.

Yeah, last week seemed hellish because we were scrambling to get the house ready to show to our tenant (weird to say). Now that she's agreed, we want to accommodate her as much as possible because she's like a dream as far as tenants go, so we need to find a place and be out by the last weekend of June.

So, I know this is all very tedious and we'd both rather I was writing about how Charlotte threw a toothbrush at my eye the other day, but this is just to let you know why posting has been light, and will continue to be light these next few weeks. I'm sure I'll find time to get on here and bitch about how much I hate moving, and oh how I HATE moving. But, I know I won't have as much time as I would like to really write the way I love to do.

So, keep your fingers crossed that we find a place to live, so that we don't have to move in with my mom or in-laws, and that I don't go totally insane trying to pack and downsize all the crap we've accumulated in the past six years.

I don't have a good feeling about this...