ControverSunday: The Return

Remember ControverSundays? Well, they're back. We might vary from the EVERY Sunday schedule, and the lovely Perpetua will be sharing her hosting duties, but despite those minor changes, we're back, baby!

I'm hosting this week, which means that you should check back here for links to the other ControverSunday posts and leave your own link in the comments section should you decide to join us. Which you totally should. We're quite awesome, if we do say so ourselves. Oh, and don't forget to grab the badge from Accidents while you're at it.

ControverSunday Entries:

amoment2think
The Disgruntled Academic
Perpetua
Brooke

This week's topic is Toddler Discipline. What are reasonable behavioral expectations for a toddler (ages one to three, shall we say?)What do you consider age-appropriate consequences? Time-outs? Natural consequences?

I'm not personally going to discuss spanking because we've already covered that topic (see: here), and it's not the method I choose. I have serious problems and concerns with spanking, but I will certainly welcome a dialogue about it in this space.

This topic was suggested by Kathleen, but it is very timely for me, as it probably is for her seeing as our kids are only a day apart in age. This is an IMPOSSIBLE age for discipline as far as I'm concerned. Which, is not to say that I have given up, but man are there days when I wish I could.

Okay, here's the thing: I have no idea what I'm doing. Other than knowing that I won't be spanking, I got nothing. I could ask Chris his opinion on discipline, but he would just tell me to give her more ice cream.

I've read articles, talked to more experienced parents, and observed other parents, but mostly, Chris and I both just sort of...do it. If she hits me, I sternly tell her no, and recently, as soon as she realizes I'm upset about being smacked or pinched or having my eyes gouged, she will say "Hug!" and pat me on the back. It's a little patronizing, but I'll take it. Especially since I never taught her to hug someone when she hurts them. It's her own instinct, which I think is cool. I believe in not forcing kids to apologize or teaching them to feign remorse. I just hope she learns by my example when it's my turn to apologize to her or others.

If she is touching something she shouldn't or doing something I've asked her not to do, I get down to her level, get really stern, and repeat myself. And nine times out of ten, this does absolutely nothing. In fact, she seems to rather like doing things she knows I won't like and goes out of her way to do so, while making sure I'm paying attention. Supposedly, she is just testing her boundaries, and eventually, with consistency, it will sink in and pay off.

I don't know. I sure hope so. All I know is that I am taking a much softer approach with her than I ever thought I would because it feels natural to do so. Hopefully this won't bite me in the ass later. I try to give her space when she's throwing a tantrum and not give in (though, admittedly, I have given in a few times), but I will also stay close and rub her back if she'll let me and make it clear that I will comfort her if she wants. Which, sometimes she does, and sometimes she pulls away from me, in which case I back off.

I never thought I'd hug a child who was screaming and stamping her feet because I wouldn't let her eat a magnet (true story). I always knew I'd be the mom who could calmly and casually walk away and go about my business. And, sometimes, I do. But sometimes she seems to need to be consoled (without giving her what she wants, but rather just acknowledging that she is sad for not getting it.)

I do things based on really compelling online literature (especially Janet Lansbury. She is wonderful, and I've learned so much from her) as well as my own instincts. There are many times I feel I'm at a loss. There are many times I feel I'm screwing it all up. And maybe I am. I guess the most important thing that I do is try to keep an open mind. Chris doesn't discipline nearly as much as I would like, but he is open to my suggestions when I tell him he shouldn't be letting Charlotte do something or that he could have handled a situation differently. And, I am open to his ideas, and he often convinces me that I'm overreacting and that I should let something slide.

So, I guess what this all boils down to is that you aren't going to get a lot of controversy from me this week because I can't tell you that you're doing it wrong when I don't know what the hell I'm doing to begin with. I just know that discipline is important and necessary, despite what some parenting theories might tell you. In fact, don't exclusively parent according to any theory. Just...don't. Have a philosophy, sure. But, know your child and what works for them, and be willing to adapt and flex to meet their unique needs. As long as you're parenting with love, knowledge, and with the utmost desire to do right by your child, you should be fine.

Then again, who am I to give advice? I'm the one screwing it all up.

Bad Baby: The Sequel!

Since I'm fresh off the discipline post, I thought I'd give you all an inside look at what kind of brattiness we are up against these days.

Let me preface this by saying that unless Chris sees any of this behavior with his own eyes, he is convinced I'm lying. Or exaggerating. Or mistaken. And, even when he does witness a transgression, he never thinks she means it, never sees any malice. This isn't due to "not MY child" syndrome; he just think Charlotte's too young to be testing her limits. Let's all tell him how wrong he is, shall we?

When our niece, Athena, was three, we were watching her and her sisters at our house. Chris had left the three of them in the other room for a minute to come tell me something when we heard the one-year-old baby start wailing. We ran in there to find her holding her face and immediately looked at Athena. As she began her story about how the baby "fell and hit her face on the wall. Yeah, that's it! The wall!", our eldest niece, Mikala, was pretty much like, "Yeah, I'm gonna have to stop you right there, seeing as you SLAPPED her."

And Chris couldn't believe it. He didn't want to believe it. It was like telling a kid that Santa isn't real or that their favorite basketball star is a rapist (What? That's totally appropriate for kids.) He was crushed. "But, she's so little! She can lie already?" I hated to have to tell him that kids are pretty much BORN lying.

So, Chris thinks it's a coincidence, and not precociousness when Charlotte waits to make sure I'm looking before doing something I've just told her not to do. Like when I've pulled a knick-knack out of her hand at my grandma's house, said "Don't touch", and then she waits a few minutes, walks over to the forbidden item, pauses to make sure I'm looking, SMILES, and then reaches for it. I tell Chris about it, prefacing the story with, "Man, Charlotte is such a butt...", and he cries "No, no! Surely not. She's not that advanced." Um, advanced enough to be a butt. Looking...shifty

She's also a showoff. Yesterday, we were visiting my grandma and her house guest. Charlotte threw her sippy cup, and, as always, I asked her to pick it up. Normally, she will comply with little to no coaxing, but now that there was a new person watching, she decided to draw the process out as long as possible. She was like, "Maaaaybe I don't wanna pick it up. How about I just push it with my foot? Maybe I'll just lie here on the ground for a minute first." It was so unexpected and so hilarious, it was hard not to laugh through my stern admonitions. In the end, I "helped" her pick it up by holding her directly over it. Not a total win, but she's one, you know? And, at least she picked it up.

I joke about her being a brat, but really I know she's just a normal toddler, seeing what she can get away with. And she's also very sweet. She gives me kisses, sometimes when I request them, and some are impromptu. She seems to be aware of the power of her kisses. She knows how much I love them, which, I can only assume, is why she has hit me in the face, only to quickly try and distract me with a kiss before I have a chance to admonish her. It only kind of works. See? Sweet!

She also shares, though, usually only when she wants to and on her terms. Though, she did steal a muffin from a two-year-old at the coffee shop last week, so that sort of negates any sharing she's done recently.

There are days (like today) where she is pushing my buttons all day: screaming at me in the fabric store because I'm carrying her and not letting her pull all the spools of ribbon off the shelves, pushing my hand away when I try to help her color, and whining for the entire car ride home. Those days, I put her to bed, breathe a huge sigh of relief, and pour myself a glass of wine. Okay, so I do that every night, but some days I do it with more zeal than others.

Then sometimes (tonight) she'll wake up screaming a few hours after bedtime, and when I pick her up to comfort her, she opens her heavy eyes, pulls the binky out of her mouth, smiles, and softly says, "Hi".

And, I seriously forget about all the times she bugged the hell out of me throughout the day. I suppose that's her diabolical plan.

She's GOOD, that one.
And here she is playing with chalk. Why? Because it's cute. And holy crap, I have a TODDLER.

Other People's Kids

So, I have been invited to join Perpetua as she and other bloggers take on some of the more controversial issues of parenting in Controversundays. I have always been more apt to shy away from conflict rather than stepping up to the plate, even when I feel strongly about something. This is because I am a very delicate flower. But, becoming a mother has emboldened me, forced me to come to terms with my flaws, and try to become a better person. You could argue that I shouldn't have needed to give birth to a child before trying to become a better person, but DON'T! Lest I wilt. Remember? Delicate flower. Get it? Okay, moving on.

This week's topic is on other people's children. She left it pretty open, so I'm going to focus on discipline. What is our role? Do we discipline them? If so, where is the line? I love this topic because, as someone who has extensive experience caring for other people's children, it has come up A LOT.

I got a job at a private school as a teacher's aide when I was eighteen. I had always dreamed of working with kids, especially little kids, so I was really excited. I had visions of running reading groups, passing out snack (because in elementary school, you eat "snack". Not "snacks" or even "a snack". Just "snack"). These dreams would eventually come true. But, part of my job description also included yard duty. And, as soon as they handed me that walkie-talkie and whistle? I was TOTALLY drunk with power. Oh, how I loved bossing those kids around! I became a total hard-ass, and it was not uncommon to find at least half a dozen timed-out kids pouting and scowling in my general direction when you visited the playground under my jurisdiction. Don't, however, assume that I was some kind of nursery school nazi. The kids loved me. I played with them, made silly jokes, fixed their ponytails, and held their little hands on the way to the nurse's office for Band-Aids. But, when they misbehaved, I was a force to be reckoned with.

I've always been a bit of a stickler for rules. I rarely break them myself, (a personality trait which has earned me much scorn and derision from my friends)so it is not surprising that I have always had pretty strong opinions about how kids should be disciplined. And worse, I was also sure that if I were in charge, those kids screaming in the toy store or throwing food at the restaurant would be in check so fast, it would make their bratty heads spin. And, even though I'm not there yet, having Charlotte has definitely made me more sympathetic. She may not be old enough to talk back or defy me, but I know it's coming. There were so many opinions I had about parenting that I recanted upon becoming a parent myself, and I think that has made me more cautious about judging. Of course, there are exceptions: there are many things I see that are just WRONG, and although I have never been the variety of person who actually approaches people, it is difficult to refrain when I see parents with an utter disregard for the safety and health of their children (and others).

Having said all that, I do think there is something to be said for what I will call "community parenting". Did I make that up? Or is that a thing? What I mean by this is that if I send Charlotte to play at a friend's house, I want her to fear that child's mother as much as she fears me. Did I say "fear"? LOVE! I meant "love"! I want her to respect other adults and to know that there are consequences for her behavior WHEREVER she goes. So, that means Grandma can and should put her in a time out. Her aunts and babysitters should feel free to take a toy away from her if she isn't sharing it, and so on. Sure, there is a limit to what I expect others to enforce. After all, it is mine and Chris's job to discipline her, primarily. But, I am also a big believer that anyone who is a part of her life will influence her, and I want it to be for the good. It won't always be easy to see others be stern with her; I have already been known to bristle at the suggestion that Charlotte "needs to learn" this or that. I know as much as I want to guide her with a firm hand, I also LOVE to indulge her. And so will everyone else. Just as long as she doesn't become a tyrant the second she leaves our house, I'll be happy.

I think maybe we all get carried away with the not judging, not butting in thing, and are too scared to speak up when other people's kids are terrorizing our homes, our kids, our pets, our sanity. When I was child-free, I adored parents who were conscious of what their kids touched, said, or asked for, and gently reminded them to behave, and it was even more refreshing when they didn't mind me chiming in with an admonition for their kids if something escaped their radar. Watching my nieces has always been a pleasure because they are delightful girls (most of the time), but also because my brother and sister-in-law encourage the adults in their children's lives to aid in the discipline. And so when my middle niece was in her terrible two's and heaving herself onto the floor amidst shrieking and violent kicking because I would not let her "make dishes" (a term she used to describe her version of washing all the plastic dishes in the sink) for another five minutes, I had recourse to put her in her room until she calmed down, rather than feeling pressured to indulge her when she looked seriously into my eyes and said through sobs, "I. WANT. TO. MAKE. DISHES!". And, I truly believe these girls are as polite and respectful as they are because of this shrewd move on their parents' part.

So, that's my take on it. Don't go grabbing candy bars out of a stranger's hand just as they are about to appease their bratty child with it. Don't yell at a mom who is choosing to ignore her child's screaming so as not to give in to his whim (Yes, it is a public place. But if she buys him that toy, he'll be encouraged to do even worse next time, so suck it up and be glad she is at least TRYING not to raise a future delinquent). But, if your friend's kids are walking on your couch, tell them to get off! And if their mom doesn't like it, too bad. It's your house. Your rules.

What do you guys think?