So, this is awkward.
Yes, it has been nearly three months since my last blog, and honestly, I couldn't tell you why. I could blame the pregnancy, the nearly-three-year-old, or even the seasons of Breaking Bad I just HAD to watch as quickly as possible. But, the truth is, if I had wanted to blog I would have. I can't really explain my lack of enthusiasm for sharing my thoughts and my life on this blog these last few months. I've thought about it many times. I thought about blogging when I found out the baby I'm carrying is a boy. I thought about blogging about Charlotte's feelings on the baby, how she was struggling with it, but slowly seems to be coming to terms with her impending role as big sister. I thought about blogging lots of times, but when it came down to it, I just didn't feel like I had anything to say, even if I had lots to say.
I don't want to dwell on it, really. I don't even know why I'm blogging now, really. Maybe only because I'm not ready for this blog to die, even if I'm unsure of its future. Ambivalence is a tough obstacle to overcome, and I can't guarantee that this will turn back into a regular thing. But, here I go anyway, fumbling my way back into the whole "forming coherent sentences in a cohesive paragraph" game. It may not be pretty.
Let's start with a small update: the baby is due in about two months. We are in escrow for a house that will close roughly two weeks after our son is born. At first, I was really bummed about the timing. I mean, who wants to move with a newborn? But, I have come to accept and even embrace the idea. Chris will only get a couple days off work at best, and it might be nice to not be alone with two kids right off the bat. And, as eager as I am to be in our own home with our new family, two weeks is really not that long to wait. Especially for a home that is so utterly perfect for us. A home that is worth the wait.
Meanwhile, I am trying my best to start "nesting" in the space we have. I'm cleaning up our room, clearing space for the baby's stuff, organizing what I have, and acquiring what I need. It feels good to finally be preparing for this little boy's arrival. For so much of this pregnancy, before I knew what our living situation would be when he came, I just couldn't bring myself to start any preparations. It made me sad not to be buying onesies and folding tiny socks, but it also made me feel guilty. At this time with my pregnancy with Charlotte, I was hanging little dresses in her freshly painted nursery, having maternity photos taken, and gluing one of those slightly creepy 3D ultrasound pictures into my thoroughly filled-out pregnancy journal. It felt unfair to this baby that I was just sitting around basically ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant, unless it was to complain about a particular pregnancy ailment.
But, I'm feeling inspired these days, and I even have this baby's very own creepy ultrasound scheduled for next week. Things are looking up. Especially now that Charlotte seems a little more positive about her little brother's arrival. She even kissed my stomach the other day and said she was giving the baby a kiss! And, today I showed her a onesie with a little monster on it and asked if she thought it would fit her. She said she thought it would fit the baby, then said, "I will give it to him." These are both HUGE developments from the kid who repeatedly told me she didn't want the baby to come out and who recently informed me the baby should not live with us in our new house. Of course, it goes back and forth. Yesterday she told me she was going to smack the baby with her butt. Today she told me she would give him a big hug. She even said she loved him. I'm still expecting a lot of BIG feelings as his arrival draws closer and especially after he's here, but I am very encouraged by these little victories.
Okay, that seems like enough for now. I ought to ease back into it, after all. Don't want to overdo it my first time out. Thanks for reading, if anyone still is at this point. So, I'll leave you with a recent picture of me and the big-sister-to-be.
1 step forward, 2 steps back?
1 week ago